Smooching Up to Bertie
by CeliaEquus
Summary: Bertie is the newest Dementor, and he's out to help the Light win the war. He will do this the only way he knows how... For the Seven Kisses Challenge! Usual disclaimers apply. Join me on this journey of madness!


"Smooching Up to Bertie"

Bertie was the newest Dementor. Because he was still 'fresh', he retained some sense of right and wrong, isolating him from the other Dementors. For all the souls they devoured, they sure as heck were soulless.

He had heard of this war that was going on at the moment. Lord Voldemort was a Bad Person, and Harry Potter was a Good Person. Being a Dementor, Bertie knew if someone's soul wasn't intact. Voldemort's soul had been split into several pieces, and he intended to find them all.

Since no one hung out with Bertie, he was able to sneak away from Azkaban, and went on a hunt. Even if the others preferred to sit on the fence during this war, _he_ wasn't going to. He was going to help bring down this man who was trying to recruit his fellow Dementors. They stayed at Azkaban to feed off sorrow. This sustained them. Why work for someone else?

No. He was only 'new', but he still had some pride in being a Dementor.

* * *

The first horcrux he came across was a locket. He slipped into a house during the night, and found the piece of jewellery. He knew precisely what a horcrux was: any Dementor worth their cloak knew.

What had never been tried was kissing a horcrux.

Leaning down, Bertie gave it the same treatment that he would a living being. Aha! He swallowed the piece of soul. It wasn't as gratifying as a full soul; more a snack, really. But it was better than nothing.

That was the first Kiss.

* * *

The second was a cup. He had to travel down into the bowels of Gringotts Bank. There was a blind dragon sleeping there, but he felt no pity. He only knew that the person who had blinded the innocent creature was a Bad Person. He slipped through. As a newbie, he could still do things like slide through cracks in doorways. The more souls he ate, the more substantial he would grow.

He kissed the cup, and briefly wondered if Voldemort could feel it.

But no. He couldn't. Bertie remembered this. It was just another standard piece of knowledge that every Dementor learnt.

Kiss number two.

* * *

The third Kiss was at Hogwarts. He had heard stories from Dementors who had been there when Sirius Black was on the run. Admittedly, none of them had been inside the castle; but he didn't need direction. He simply floated up to the seventh floor, and along corridors until he found a blank piece of wall.

Now, it must be said that Dementors cannot frown. But if they could, Bertie would have frowned. How could he get in?

He floated back and forth, thinking about the horcrux that he just _knew_ was around here. Suddenly, a door appeared. Again, Dementors cannot adopt an expression. Otherwise, Bertie would have smiled.

Soon he came across a tiara of sorts. He Kissed it, and felt a bit fuller again.

* * *

He had just left the castle, when Bertie realised that there was something missing. Another piece of Voldemort's fractured soul was still within the school. He flew around the sides until he felt warmth coming from one room. Just above, there were windows to what he saw were student dormitories.

Was Voldemort there?

He went through a crack in the window. No. No Dark Lord. He looked around, and his 'sight' settled on a boy with a strange scar.

…The horcrux was in there.

Oh dear, he thought in his Dementor-language. But it had to be done. He leaned down, and Kissed the scar. The horcrux came out, and he automatically leaned down to Kiss the boy as well.

But that wasn't why he was here. Bertie pulled back, and floated out the window.

The fourth Kiss was complete.

* * *

Bertie knew that there was only a trace of a horcrux—almost a memory of it, really—somewhere else. All of the souls within the place were quite confusing. He made his way up to the headmaster's office, and went through the window there. He placed his fifth horcrux Kiss on the diary, sucking out the trace through the uppermost crack of the drawer.

Well, better safe than sorry, he figured.

That done, he left the school.

* * *

His penultimate journey took him quite a distance, to a little abandoned shack of a house. While he was feeling a _little_ bit more substantial, that didn't change things. Bertie was still able to get close enough to the floor to suck. He swallowed the particle of soul, and then straightened up. Hmm. Only one left. And for this one, he would probably have to go undercover…

The sixth Kiss had been done.

* * *

"_Harry," Hermione said, after she had cast the spell. "There's only one horcrux left. All of the others have just… disappeared. Someone else must have destroyed them,"_

"_That's great, Hermione. So what's left?"_

"_I can't tell. Otherwise we'd have found the others by now, obviously. But even that tiny bit that we thought was left in the diary… that's gone, too."_

"_Well…"_

"_Harry!" Ron shouted, running into the Gryffindor common room. "You-Know-Who and the Death Eaters have just gotten into the castle! We have to fight!"_

"_Let's go," Harry said, and the other students followed them down to the Entrance Hall, where battle was being waged._

* * *

Bertie was frustrated. How was he supposed to get to the snake?

That problem was solved when the other Dementors, the ones who had joined up with Lord Voldemort, left the prison island. He followed, and found that a battle was being fought at the school he had only been at a day and a half ago. While his fellow creatures began to wreak havoc, he sought out Nagini.

Ah! There she was. He swooped down, seeing that one of the Good People was fighting to get to her, a sword in his hand. Bertie gave the snake a Kiss, and he heard a shout of triumph. He looked up, and saw the scarred boy grinning.

Bertie bowed his head at the young man, receiving one in return, and then left the school, wondering how things would go.

To be quite frank, he was looking forward to some fresh Bad People at Azkaban. For now, however, he would sit back and relax. Well, float back and relax. But then, that's the life, at least when you're a Dementor.

**

* * *

**

This batch of oddness is for the Seven Kisses Challenge. I classified this as humorous because I find the concept of having a good Dementor named Bertie… well, funny. I don't know why I thought to call him Bertie, but I did.

**Anyway!**

**Please review, if anyone's bothering to read this.**


End file.
